Update
ConfidenceCoalition.Org
Today, I pledge to be more confident in myself and my abilities.
I will be forgiving and generous to myself and others. I will embrace my unique beauty and do my best to ignore the stereotypes portrayed in the media. I will encourage those around me to focus on their true beauty.
I will not attempt to sabotage anyone else’s self-confidence. I will not participate in any forms of physical or emotional abuse including bullying, cyberbullying, gossiping, hazing, exclusion, humiliation and coercion. I will treat others as I would want to be treated.
I will have the confidence to stand up for myself and others. I will not let peer pressure lead me to forgo my values. I will respect myself enough to say “NO” to people and situations that are unhealthy to my well-being. I will not stay in an abusive relationship. I will not pressure others to participate in behaviors that go against their values.
By joining with others, I will make the world a better place for all women and girls. I will encourage confidence in myself, my friends, my family and others.
My Baking Soda Miracle!
WARNING: With all types of remedies there are always some risks if not taken properly, this is just my experience with Baking Soda.
Baking soda is fast becoming one of my most favorite household products. Why do you ask? Well not only does it sit in my refrigerator and freezer to keep away food smells, but over the last couple of years it has become invaluable in my attempt to treat health problems with home remedies.
1st - I am a women who inevitably gets urinary tract infections (UTIs). The first time I got one, I went to the doctor as I had blood in my urine and received a Rx for antibiotics. Well, as time passed and I continued to get UTIs (about 2 or 3 times a year), I kept going to my doctor for antibiotics. I became worried that my continued use of antibiotics would result in a resistance to them. So, I began attempting to curb off UTIs by chugging cranberry juice when I felt one coming on. Although this helped sometimes, it did not always and I was back resorting to antibiotics.
It turns out that while in London for a summer, I discovered they have OTC medicine for UTIs (which was good because I could not afford a doctors appointment there). I picked up several packets and they worked like a charm. Luckily I brought a couple of packets home with me to the States. Unfortunately I could not find any similar products when I got back. So, I searched the internet once again for home remedies and what amazing home remedy do I find? A baking soda cocktail: mix 1/2 tsp of baking soda & vitamin C powder in glass of water and drink (the vitamin C gives it a little flavor and helps keep the acid / alkaline balanced in the body).
All I have to say is thank god I found this solution because every time I have used it (for about 2 years now) I have prevented UTIs from developing further and have forgone the use of antibiotics. Which by the way was crucial as I seem to have developed an allergic reaction to many antibiotics (go me).
2nd - The last couple of nights I have not been able to sleep due to heartburn. Yes that lovely constant feeling like you have to burp & the burning sensation in your throat/chest. I keep forgetting to by some OTC meds (antacids) as I usually don't get heartburn for very long. Tonight it was just too much, so I hopped on the great world wide web looking for a home remedy which I actually had in my house to solve my problem. And wouldn't you know, it calls for baking soda once again. As I've been writing this I have steadily been drinking down the baking soda and I can already feel a reduction in the burning sensation (although still there). So far so good and I am fast becoming a baking soda convert!
So my conclusions: before running to your doctors to get another overpriced & symptom directed treatment, look for home remedies and ways in which you can prevent these occurrences by making changes in your daily living. Would it not be nice to prevent these things before occurring especially in this health care crisis?
The Flu Season is Here! Surveillance on Facebook
Day 1
So this past Sunday I was suddenly struck sick with flu like symptoms. At first I thought I just had bronchitis because I woke up with a sore throat and a massive headache. I then tried to get out of bed and realized how weak I was. I decided to spend the day in bed, medicate & hydrate, hoping I'd head off this sickness. Later that evening I realized I had a fever as I went from freezing cold to hot sweats and my body felt like it had been hit by a semi-truck.
On this day, I took both Ibuprofen, an expectorant, echinacea and lots of water.
Day 2
I woke up with a minor headache and my sore throat was still there. I was still a bit clammy and sweaty, although my body was not as fatigue. I called my big brother and had him deliver some chicken noodle soup & vitamin C packets which are added to water. I continued medicating myself with Ibuprofen, the expectorant, echinacea and now the Vitamin C.
In the afternoon my fever began to rise and I realized it still had not broke. According to what I have researched one is contagious with the flu 24 hours before symptoms start and 24 hours after the fever breaks without medicine. So, I continue to take my meds, sleep and watch tv. By night fall, I'm coughing less, my sore throat is better, but now my nose is congested.
I'm writing this because in between watching tv, and sleeping, I've been checking on my facebook account and was amazed to find so many people reporting fever & sickness on their status. I realized in my area, flu season hath hittith’ the fan.
I have to admit, I've never been aware of flu season until I have gotten older and realized the amount of stress I put myself under. I have to say, I am a true believer that stress greatly impacts a persons ability to fight off sickness. When I am healthy both physically and mentally, I rarely if ever get sick and the opposite is true when I'm unhealthy both physically and mentally.
My advice: the best way to prevent sickness is to take care of yourself both physically, mentally and emotionally.
Long Time ...
So, I know I've been gone a while, but I have been dealing with some traumas in my life. No nothing life shattering or life threatening, but emotional trauma's just the same which has led me into a depressive funk. I am now just starting to come out of the two week depressive period. One of the added things about this depression is my ability to sleep has been severely compromised. I have dealt with PTSD & depression for over 10 years now in one form or another, with brief periods of respite in between events. One of the major indicators of stress and depression for me is my inability to sleep at night even with prescribed meds (i.e., ambien). As a result, I had developed several tools in order to combat this when I am at my worst & it took my several years to perfect it. It's a combination of meditation, self guided imagery, self hypnosis or even reading homework to fall asleep. So far it's not working this time around, so I'm going for the writing it down to help get it out and off my mind tool.
Yet even now, the words are failing me. I began this post in order to write down my problems / struggles and now there's just nothing, silence. What the heck? Maybe I'm not yet ready to discuss it as of yet, or maybe I really don't know where the problems are stemming from. Back to the drawing board with self reflection. Yeesh.
Well peace all and hope you are doing well. I'm still here just struggling a bit, but I will get through it, as always.
Feeling Hurt
On the flip side, while some of my bonds of friendships are strengthening I feel I've lost others. As I heard this from a friend, another once friend said "She is done with me." Apparently L is pissed off at me because she got caught telling people a secret of another friend, S. I admitted to said friend, S, that I was guilty of this as well and apologized, told her there was no excuse for my actions & that I was sorry. S got mad, hurt & I accepted that, but later we continued talking and she soon forgave me. But among this conversation, S figured out what L had done and it was confirmed by another source. So when S confronted L, L got pissed at me rather than taking responsibility for her actions & told S that she was done with me.
This is the kind of high school none sense I was getting sick of and prompted me to talk to S in the first place. Everyone in our "group" of friends had been guilty at some point or another betraying or talking sh*t about someone else at one point or another. I just got sick of it and really wanted to clear the air and build a stronger relationship with my friend S, which luckily I have accomplished. But amidst this I have been ostracized from the group it seems. It appears L is being super friendly with S, & L, J, & D (3 of the group) no longer communicates with me.
Although, I recognized I have not yet tried to contact them, I really am not in a place to deal with any confrontations or B.S. I really don't have it in me emotionally to try and work things out. I am so hurt right now that everyone is so easily and willing to drop our friendships & it makes me question whether they really were my friends to begin with or just drinking buddies. Furthermore, I just barely escaped from the emotional abuse of my ex-roommate and I really can't take anymore manipulations, lies or B.S. from anyone else right now.
The fact of the matter is, I am sorry if other people got hurt as a result of my confession to S & I am sorry that I didn't take into consideration the ramifications it would have to others. But I was just trying to be honest to S. No, I did not think of how it would affect her relationships with others because I didn't think my confession could, or that it would lead to the discovery of betrayals by others.
Of course, I don't know what is running around in everyone's brains, but I do know their actions, or inactions. I'm just tired; tired of being hurt by those around me, tired of being let down by those I care about & just tired of being so easily discarded.
But, I am thankful for those who have stood by my, listened to me, supported me and have just been such great friends to me. They keep me tethered & keep my optimism going; it's just sometimes hard to see it through the hurt and pain.
Ode To My True Friends
The bond that ties us stays strong and only expands.
Eventually we always find our way back to one another;
And this is my thanks to you, my true friends.
You have stood by me through trauma, drama and loss
You've provided support and an ear to turn too.
You've recognized and accepted my support when asked
You've trusted me with your troubles and concerns.
Above all you have been a true and great friend.
One who has helped me become a better person.
One who has allowed me to maintain hope and optimism for people
As a result of your kindness and compassion you display.
I feel blessed to have a friend such as you
And blessed to have you a part of my life's journey.
I am confident are bond is so strong,
And that we will be friends forever true.
My Response to Obama's Speech
My initial reaction was wow, I am listening to my generation's version of MLK. BHO's oratory ability is amazing, sometimes I wonder if we are all just so excited to have a articulate educated sounding POTUS that we get wrapped in just by this one aspect. Notwithstanding that, there are several key points I was happy to see him address:
First the goals in which he wants to achieve for the future. Second, dispelling the myths being circulated about the proposal. Third, being firm at calling out those members of Congress who continue to use this issue for political gain rather than put the health & well being of the American people first. As well as several more.
After watching I checked out people's response on Twitter and other sites. I was amazed at the majority of positive support for this speech & Obama's plan. Although I still see some of the discussion being sidetrack by lies, liars & mudslinging name callers.
But I also understand some people's frustration for not getting specifics of the bill.
My response: Let's be real. There is no way BHO can give all the details of the plan in a condensed speech. If you really want to know the specifics get on that wonderful new invention called the WWW and google the proposed bill. Take a little responsibility for educating yourself on what he proposes rather than criticizing him for not giving all the details.
My second response: I think BHO is still trying to allow for some wiggle room in order for both sides of the aisle to collaborate & come up with the best possible / passable plan. Although, many criticize him for cross the aisle instead of forcing it threw, I think in the long run this way will be more beneficial, more debate, more ideas & more scrutiny of the plan itself - then again I'm an optimist.
The thing that really and truly ticked me off was the fact that our POTUS had to call out once collogues, media, & others LIARS for spreading incorrect information about the so called death panels. The purpose of these panels, in my understanding, was to allow families to receive information, counseling & help planning for & dealing with end of life decisions for themselves and loved ones. For some reason this is an incredibly touchy subject for Americans and the idea that one plans for or discusses their wishes before the event is so outrageous that they got to be called death panels really offends and disappoints me. Furthermore, DRs have a hard time discussing these issues and the idea behind the panels was to create a discussion or communication within society so these things can be discussed openly without so much fear, heaven forbid we talk about what we fear.
Overall, I was incredibly impressed by this speech and am hopeful once again that we will get something done, anything that will move us in the right direction. But I do agree with having a public option in order to actually create a free market, make insurance companies compete & hold them accountable.
My final note, I was not incredibly impressed or moved by the Republic response. It did sound incredible scripted & failed to address, what I feel are valid concerns of the republican party. I felt it just focused on what they see as wrong rather than putting forth reasonable suggestions & solutions that really benefit the American people.
Just my biased opinions & thoughts on the matter. Have a good night all!
Fragile Friendships
The ties of friendship,
So easily severed, so easily forgotten.
I mourn for the loss of friendships,
I mourn even more over the feeling of disappointment
Of being let down once again
By those who surround me, my once so called friends.
It takes only one event, the cutting of the string that binds.
Do I accept and move on, or fight?
Do I try to retie the string that once was,
Knowing it will be forever changed,
Or give up and watch the pieces steadily fade away.
GRAD SCHOOL V. LAW SCHOOL (INITIAL COMPARISON)
Ok, so finally graduated w/ my JD in May and took the bar in Jul (keep your fingers crossed for me). I am now finishing up my MPH (Master's in Public Health). For the MPH, the first year requires everyone to take the same required courses, then the second year you have more electives or course required depending on your concentration. As a result of completing my JD in conjunction of being accepted to the MPH program already, I have basically completed the second year course requirements & electives and am now stuck in the first year.
I have one class which reminds me of high school, takes attendance, has in class quizzes, homework assignments to be turned in, several exams & heaven forbid do not come in late. Seriously? How old are we & who is paying who for what education? In my other classes, I have homework assignments to be turned in throughout the semester & a couple of exams. What happened to me when I'm complaining of having my grade be based on more than just one final exam or paper? I remember the first year of law school cringing at the idea of having my entire semester grade based on one final exam - now I wish I had that back. I learned that with the final exam, I could slack off, get behind during the semester & still bust my butt at the end of the semester and get an A. Now I have to actually suffer through classes, work throughout the semester, keep up with assignments in order to get an A. Sheesh, what are they thinking of?
Ok, although it's kind of hard to switch gears in terms of studying habits & patterns, I have looked at the amount of reading & work required for the courses & as it appears initially, it's cake compared to law school. Definitely not as much reading or material being absorbed, so go me, or not.
So my initial evaluation of Grad school compared to law school = it's much easier, less work overall, but more busy BS work.
We'll see how this changes as the semester moves forward. Now I have to get back to being put to sleep in my biostatistics class. Yawn.
Peace love & all that jazz.
Vegas Baby
The Calm After the Storm
One, drinking buddies do not equal friends. There has to be something more deep & meaningful for me to classify my association with someone as a friendship. Two, friendships need nurturing and time. Three, I want to keep some the friendships I've gained because they do have a solid foundation, but in order to do that I need communicate more with them, as they do with me.
What has brought me to these conclusions? Well after my rant about my girl friend, I really looked hard and evaluated the situation. I looked within myself & talked to several people. What I discovered is, there are some things in which I need to do in order to prevent situations like this from occurring, namely talk to her, be open, and really figure out what's going on inside that head of hers. I also realized that the changes I am going through makes things awkward and uncomfortable and I should not be making snap judgments about people until I fully understand the emotions being stirred inside of me.
So I picked up dinner tonight and headed over to my friends house and let her know I wanted to talk to her. One of things I discovered was how hurt she's been lately by those of us around her. I also realized that while I have been consumed by my own changes, I have not noticed her problems either. I did point out to her, that I will be there for her, but right now she needs to talk to me, let me know, because I am a little preoccupied, but when she does ask I will be there for her. We also had a frank discussion about her flirting. I understand where she is coming from & know that it's not intentionally done to hurt those of us around her, but I also was able to point out that it has ramifications she will have to accept if she does not want to change those behaviors. I was also able to tell her, that I would really like her to not have to rely so much on attention by men for validation.
I learned 2 important things. She is aware of these issues and being able to talk to her about it, both from my perspective and her perspective only has made us closer. And 2, I can have adult conversations with a friend, discuss uncomfortable topics and still trust that they understand I love them, flaws and all. I also opened the door for her to bring my actions into question, and I have to try and remember to handle it as well as her (sometimes this is a lot easier then others depending on the current emotional state & the approach taken, but I have gotten better at it).
So, although it has been an emotionally grueling day, I'm hoping I made the right decision to trust her, myself and open the doors to communication. I know some of the stuff we spoke about might have other repercussions, but I only hope our friendship is strong enough to survive them.
Another Rant
I just don't get these two people. I don't know if it's lack of self control, attention depravation, or lack of self confidence, but I am tired that what comes out of their mouths does not comport with their actions. How the hell are the rest of us supposed to know what you are feeling or thinking when you are sending contradictory messages? And quite frankly I am so sick of trying to figure out these two people.
Oh let me be clear ... I am tired of going out with said person and being hurt. You want to know how? By being second fiddle, chop liver, easily disregarded by both the assholes we meet and by the friend I go out with. You want to know why you do not have a lot of girl friends or the ones who are around you don't respect you, a) they don't trust you to not flirt with the men they are interested in; b) you'd ditch us girls in a heart beat for a guy; and c) you only care what guys think or how they react to your looks & personalty, what we say does not matter, thanks that makes me feel good. And quite frankly, I am not going to sit there and compete with you for attention. From now on, you want the center, it's all yours & I am walking out of the room, stick a fork in me I am done.
You really want to know why I am so ticked off. I'm hurting because I feel like I was discarded by my friends again & I am ticked off that I constantly hear "I look like shit" yet she still manages to have guys flocking to her, while I sit there feeling like the ugly duckling / wall flower in the room. Please tell me, when do people get real? When can I say, "see with them, what you see is what you get" and I don't have to waste the mental or emotional energy trying to decode them.
Finally, I go out with my friends to feel better, to reconnect with the world. More and more, I find myself being hurt, feeling worse about myself, feeling like the odd person out, etc... I don't expect them to make me happy, that's all on me, but when I am in a good mood to start and I come home feeling like crap, and it's been a pattern lately, it's kind of making me start to wonder. It really hurts me to start pondering whether I need to move on and find different people to hang out with because I'm really tired of coming home feeling like shit, rather than feeling happy that I spent time with my so called friends.
I don't know, cause at the same I know I am emotionally vulnerable right now, but do I really want to surround myself with people who clearly have their own issues to deal with and who constantly hurt me (although I have to admit most probably don't realize it, because I usually just take the shit and move on, well the shit is starting to overflow and I feel the bitch coming out, I'm tired of being dumped on, used, easily disregarded, & taken advantage of). So I guess I will have to start pondering how I can act, to limit / prevent those around me from continuing this or you know what I just need to move on. Any suggestions?
Loving Caress
I feel free to fly into ecstasy, trusting you will be there to catch me when I land. You heighten all my feelings, emotional and physical, so I feel as if I am bursting with life inside. You strum my body like a precious instrument playing the age old tune of love while I breath in your essence. Never have I felt such connection with another being, another soul. Never have I felt such connection and understanding of myself. This is the gift you bring to me every night and I will be forever grateful. I vow to repay such bounty by remaining forever in your arms, your heart, your soul.
Just Some Random Thoughts
All I have to say, at least I get a change of scenery & can get out of dodge for a while. I really need a change in pace, people & scenery.
I guess the thing that I have been noticing lately is that I am finally growing up. The silly stupid comedy that used to be fun & stress relieving is just annoying, childish and immature. I feel as though sometimes when I go out it's a waste of a good outfit & a waste of my time. My friend and I have really been discussing the lack of stimuli where we live. Let me explain a little more...
My friends and I went out to dinner for 2 birthdays. While we were sitting around the table, the level of conversation was of the meaningless type. I just sat there with nothing to contribute thinking to myself, except for being here for my friends birthdays (because that is important to me) I was completely bored & annoyed. I just don't understand meaningless conversations. Why are you talking if you have nothing of import to say? Nothing of substance, or nothing that lets us get to know one another more? I just felt as though I was wasting my time. I guess you could say, more and more, the things in life that interest me are learning about people and experiences; not the superficial conversations that bring no knew meaning of who someone is.
It's like going to a party, seeing an acquaintance & asking them how they are just to be polite when half the time I don't really care. If I did you would be my friend & I would attempt to get to know you more. But as I watch the dynamics of my group of friends, I see a weird microcosms of interactions & group dynamics. And I have to say, I'm getting pretty bored just hanging out. I want to experience more of life than just hanging out, drinking, whatever. So, I am resolved to fill my schedule with new interesting plans. I want to live my life to the fullest and stop partaking in things that bore me. I have suffered through enough for my friends with little in return and I am just done.
I wonder if maybe it's time for me to break out of my close circle of friends and expand my horizons beyond them. Do not get me wrong, I love them all as individuals & they have been wonderful friends, I just don't think most of them get the changes I am going through.
Plus I have to admit, I am not one who fights for the spotlight, but occasionally I would like some attention. But those needs are not being fulfilled by this circle of friends, so I need to seek out other places to get this need fulfilled. I guess what I am trying to say is I am tired of being lonely with so many people surrounding me.
What to do? What to do?
Going MIA til August
HealthCare Reform Issue
I. Access
It is well known that there are approximately 47 million Americans uninsured in the United States and of the insured many are underinsured. Currently, the fastest growing segment of the newly uninsured is the group that has been earning in excess of $75,000. These approximately 800,000 individuals lost their health insurance when they lost their jobs or were priced out of the market because of rising cost of health insurance. In addition most Americans "covered" by some form of health insurance still worry about its continuation should they or a close family member become seriously ill and some are "locked" into employment for fear of losing existing coverage.
A further problem is the decrease in employer-sponsored health insurance coverage. Between 1991 and 2003, the proportion of full-time employees participating in employer-sponsored health plans at medium-sized and large firms plummeted from 83% to 65% and in 2006 just over one-half of workers employed in the private sector participated in employment-based health plans. Furthermore, the Institute of Medicine ("IOM") estimates that 18,000 people between the ages of 25 and 64 die each year because they lack health insurance making lack of health insurance the sixth-leading cause of death among people under age 65. This fact alone makes the lack of health insurance shocking and menacing problem.
II. Rationing
For the most part, Americans support universal health coverage with increasing support. In addition, the lack of action on the federal level has lead to increasing action at the state level. Currently there are 3 states which have enacted universal coverage and 12 states which propose universal coverage. However, the biggest argument against universal health care in terms of access is rationing. Rationing occurs when limited resources exist and not everyone will have actual access to the care they need in a timely fashion.
A common myth which exists in the United States is that we do not already ration our health care. The most obvious way in which we ration health care is between those who have insurance versus those who do not have insurance. Even for those who do not have insurance and seek medical attention in emergency rooms, they are more likely to put off seeking medical attention until the problem has become severe and less likely to receive follow-up care.
Using rationing as an argument against universal access also presupposes that rationing of care is unnecessary or immoral. Even opponents to universal health care understand that rationing occurs and is necessary in a system with limited resources. However, the disagreement occurs when deciding who should be responsible for rationing care; the individual or government bureaucrats. Opponents to universal health care argue that the primary way in which it is rationed in the United States is by individual choice and that in an ideal system, rationing would be by patient choice wherever possible. However, an ideal system does not exist and even those with insurance lack the power to make health care decisions because they are limited by their insurance providers. Even more so, those without insurance lack the power choose or even gain access to any health care. The opponent's arguments place a negative emphasis on the health bureaucrats making rationing health care decisions and fail to address the impact of insurance bureaucrats making rationing of health care decisions. Nor do they propose any measure which would help achieve the ideal system allowing patients make these decisions without interference from one source or another (government or health care corporations).
III. Quality of Care
A common view prevalent in the United States is that we have the best health care system in the world; a view that has increasingly come under attack. In our current system, there are between 44,000 and 98,000 deaths from medical errors a year and a 2000 report on the epidemiology of medical error estimated that about 1 million preventable injuries occur to U.S. patients each year; these include transfusion errors, adverse drug events, surgery on the wrong side, and mistaken identity. In addition, our system frequently fails to provide basic services such as immunizations or prenatal, primary and preventative care. The average ranking for the United States on 16 health indicators in a 1998 comparative study of 13 countries was twelfth, second from the bottom and in another study of 11 western countries, the United States was ranked last with respect to its primary care base and its per capita health care expenditures (the highest), while ranking poorly on public satisfaction, health indicators, and use of medication. Furthermore, "[a]lthough American medicine has produced many "miracles," we are not the undisputed leader in medical innovation, only in the costliness and ubiquity of high-technology medicine."
Similar to access, rationing is an argument used against universal health care in terms of quality. The argument posits that because of limited resources, the quality and type of care will be reduced in order to preserve costs. For example, currently in the United States, the elderly and disabled have a privileged position with respect to health care in the form of Medicare. But in other countries, where the entire population is part of the same government-funded health care plan, the elderly are usually pushed to the end of the rationing lines. For example, in Britain, it is extremely difficult for an elderly patient to get kidney dialysis, a kidney transplant, or any other transplant. However, studies have shown that in the United States, when transplants are rationed, income, race and sex play a factor. It is clear when resources are limited rationing is necessary. Furthermore, whenever rationing becomes a factor tough decisions must be made. Is really so bad to approve transplant for a 25 year old versus a 75 year old when the resources are limited? These types of questions are already being faced with limited resources in our current system and will continue to be necessary in any new system.
Furthermore, another argument is that the most up-to-date medical technologies may not be available either because there is not adequate equipment or because there will not be enough money to run the equipment. However, a RAND study found that "for most care that has been studied, there are large gaps between the care that people should receive and the care they do receive. This is true for all three types of care (preventative, acute, and chronic). It is true whether one looks at overuse or underuse. It is true in different types of care facilities and for different types of health insurance. It is true for all groups, from children to the elderly." The current system in the United States fails the majority of the population when they do not have access to the most basic services, let alone the most up-to-date medical technologies, resulting in poor quality of care as a nation.
IV. Cost of Care
Health costs are increasing at an alarming rate, with sixteen percent of our gross domestic product being spent on health, about twice the average for other rich countries. The resulting costs of lack of insurance and underinsurance to individuals and society are high. Uninsured individuals lose between 65 and 130 billion dollars annually in the form of increased morbidity and premature mortality. The IOM estimates that communities nationwide spend 35 billion dollars annually on uncompensated care for the uninsured. In addition, when an uninsured individual cannot pay for expensive health care, society picks up the costs. An IOM report on the effects of uninsurance states, "[t]he unreimbursed costs of caring for uninsured Americans are ultimately paid for by higher taxes and high prices for service and insurance. Local communities tend to bear the main economic burden of subsidizing service delivery, while the costs of public insurance are more broadly spread across state and federal budgets." In addition, about 1.5 million families who file for bankruptcy can be attributed to the result of medical expenses.
Indescribable
It's nights like these that I hate being alone, but it's also nights like these where I am always alone. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok, but at the same time I hate that I need anyone. I hate feeling disconnected from life and alone in the world. I hate that I always face the pain alone; that I haven't yet been able to quell the tide of emotions; that I have not yet been able to pull myself out of a tailspin of pain, remembering the bad times over and over again.
What I really hate is physically feeling the pain and yet delighting in it. My old friend is still with me. That's just sad, thinking of pain as an old friend who has for too long been with me in my short life. I just want to cry and be cleansed, but I know although this spell will only last for a short time, it will return again and the cycle will continue as it always does. What is the point of continuing?
Hope is a double edged sword. On the one side I need it to keep going, I need to hope things will get better. On the other edge, it's a complete disappointment; to have your hopes raised only to be dashed into tiny fragments of sand and dust; dreams are shattered, hopes dashed, and disappointing reality comes crashing in.
If only wishes were real and dreams came true.
Wounded Heart
Trying to hold back my tears,
As I listen to your heart cry out loud.
My heart wishes I could wipe away the pain of the past;
to help you see loving again is worth it in the end.
But I know I am not the balm your heart needs,
I only wish it could be me,
the one that heals your wounded heart.
Intermission - Goodbye Letter
Dear Mr. D,
You no longer can be a part of my life because you helped facilitate my risky and destructive behavior. Although you may have given me temporary freedom from my mind, that is all you did for me. You added to my depression, lack of self-esteem and sense of self-worth. You stalled my ability to find myself after the rape and rediscover who I really am. You temporarily numbed the pain, but never allowed me to come to terms with the trauma, accept it or move on. I say to you now, I am worth saving, of being me and true to myself. So Goodbye!
Taralynn
Finding Myself Part III
Continuing on the same glorious night, after we finished eating dinner and we were still at the restaurant another friend of ours met up with us, let's just call her Iris (and Flash, if you can figure out why I choose this nickname, you'll have earned a boon!). Anyway, Iris and I met my last year of law school, dolt. She is from here, but worked for a couple of year in NYC, with a very nice job, in a very male dominated field. She's my age, very blunt, forthright and what you see is what you get. She has also been around the block in terms of life experiences and I have to say we clicked very quickly and I am glad for it.
Anyway, she finally made it to the restaurant, we made the introductions to everyone and shortly after a couple of us decided to continue on with the night and head to a bar. I decided to catch a ride with Iris, to catch up & escape another moment in the car with the boys. As we were heading to another bar, I finally broke down and just gab about EVERYTHING. It's just been so hard not having a friend who understands the emotional turmoil I am facing; someone who does not judge, is just supportive and gets it. For once, I have a friend who can actually give me useful advice that I had not thought of already (not that I actually take the advice, but it at least gives me another perspective to ponder).
During the car ride, I explain to her a situation I have been facing recently. I have developed feelings for a certain someone and really do not know what to do with them. He's a great guy, but I can tell I've already been placed in the "friend" zone with him. Plus, these feelings are really inconvenient and as my dad says, feelings rarely are convenient. You see I am trying to sort out my baggage, my issues and my life, having the focus on me. I really can't afford to take on anyone else's baggage or issues. So my intellect tells me to, STOP TURN AROUND AND RUN! But, my heart keeps hoping for a different result.
Of course I have not acted on these feelings, and my other girlfriends had no clue about them as they really don't know that much about my relationship with this guy (so good job on hiding those feelings to the outside world, woohoo). Iris is telling me they are what they are and just accept them. Be the friend for this guy and maybe someday he'll realize what's in front of his face. My reaction to that, is no way jose. My typically response to these kind of situations is to shut those feelings down and put distance, time and space between me and the guy to let the feelings dissipate. I mean, I don't want to wait around for him to "realize" or whatever, especially when all that type of thinking leads to is hoping for something that is not and may never be.
Coming full circle to Part I, the reason why the conversation with the guys, in the car annoyed me so much is I'm tired of being every guys "friend." When will I be seen as a women, not a friend, not a sex object, not a girl, but a women. I realize though, guys will not stop seeing me this way until I stop acting this way and demanding more. I have to admit I like being one of the "guys" sometimes, but really I'm not a guy, and I have different needs, likes, desires and expectations. Although I view myself is a strong independent women, I really do want some traditional roles to be filled, for a change I would like to be treated with respect, kindness and some social grace.
Well I definitely did not see where this piece was moving, but there it is ... only 3 more parts to write, then I'll be done with that one night and can gab about my adventure at The Beach.
Till next time...
Peace, love and all that jazz.
Intermission - Frozen Safety
Why does it seem my mood, my feelings change with the tide? One night I am feeling strong with my new found respect for myself. I see things that night which hurt and anger me, and I refuse to put myself through the torture of watching the train wreck that is you.
I leave, and drown my pain, my sorrow and hurt in dancing. I escape into a world of movement, cadence, and physical connection with myself. My pulse raises, my body sways, I lose myself in the rhythm, the beat, the music and for a short while my soul transcends.
Suddenly, my soul slams back into my body as real life intrudes upon my moment of peace. My chest tightens and feelings bleed from my heart. The dance temporary stemmed the flood of emotions, while I still search for a permanent fix. I head to the restroom, my friends have all forgotten me, I am only a thought, a memory, in the back of their mind.
I can no longer stem the tide; tears stream down my face. Once again I find myself alone, to face the onslaught of emotions. As the wave crests, I wonder why would anyone want to be around for this moment, I can barely stomach it myself. As I rock myself back in forth trying to give comfort, all that runs through my head is “It will pass, it will pass, I just need to survive it.”
As the tides recedes a new found numbness settles over my heart. Inside my soul cries again, as the walls have been built back up stronger, thicker and taller and it is trapped once again in the safe, cold, alone cocoon I have built for it.
Finding Myself Part II
When we finally arrived at the restaurant, my girl friends had not yet arrived. We put our name in for a table outside, on the patio, with a view and waited for everyone to meet up. As everyone is drinking around me (I am at a time in my life where I am choosing to not drink when I go out, can't handle the hangovers and can't afford the lost time while studying for the bar), I am admiring the ambience and drinking in the atmosphere. The couples around us are dressed to the nines and seem more in line with my age bracket. I look over the couples with an envious eye; thinking it would be so nice to have a romantic date.
I have to admit that throughout most of the night I was listening but not really participating in the conversation. My friends were quoting lines from movies and songs, which I have no aptitude at. So instead of trying insert myself into the conversation or steer it towards some other topic, I preferred to let it continue around. One of my many faults, however, is that I am easily bored. So to stay off my boredom, I played solitaire on my cell phone while listening to the conversation around me. I know it appeared to everyone else I was having a conversation via txt. Why do you ask? Because every so often I would break out in laughter. What my friends around me didn't realize, or don't realize, is I am a great multi-tasker, so while I appear not to be listening I am, and am adding my own two cents about what's being said, how it's being said, and by whom. It would be rather embarrassing for me if I did not have a filter between my head and mouth. Luckily for me, I do and most of my smart ass comments, or snide remarks stay in check.
The comments are not meant to be mean, but sometimes to put certain people in their place, so as not to allow their heads to swell too big with their own self-importance. Granted, I know this is all an act, hence the reason I keep my comments to myself. Plus, I have to admit, sometimes people would not get some of my references. While they quote movies & lyrics, I quote books, philosophers or just use euphemisms.
Anyway, the point to this portion of the story is, I no longer feel the need to fit in to every conversation or situation in which I find myself landing in. Normally, conversations such as these would make me uncomfortable, feel inadequate and left out; got to love our little insecurities. But that night, I was perfectly content to allow those around me have the spotlight on themselves and talk about things which hold no interest for me, while I observed and reflected on the dynamics of the group and amused myself in my own way.
I am very happy I no longer feel the need to fit in anymore, because, quite frankly, I have never "fit in" in big groups of people. I've always felt more comfortable and more successful in small groups or with one on one interactions.
So epiphany number 2: I do not need to force myself into a conversation to "fit in" or even feel a part of a group. I can be very content just watching and listening to those around me. It's nice to feel more comfortable in my own skin and no longer playing societal games.
Intermission - Wishful Thinking
I know I should continue on with my story from the other night, but I am having such an overflow of emotion right now I just need to free write for a little bit.
Wishful Thinking
I feel as though there is a whole burning in my chest; as though I am the walking wounded. I watch you from across the way and begin to dream of what could be if only you could see me. I am surrounded by mother nature's beauty yet my eyes keep straying to you; your flaws, quirks and annoying actions, increase your perfection in my minds eye.
But, I know the inconvenient truth; you don't see me and never will. You will never see the stars in my eyes when you are near, the joy or comfort I feel when you are near me. These feelings are a blessing and a curse. You have awakened me to feeling again, I don't know quite yet what to do with them. Intellectually, I know I am feeling too much because of the novelty and newness of it all, and hopefully, with time the heart wrenching hurt and disappointment will dissipate. Yet I am feeling feeling something again; a gift you have given me that you will never know.
Along with these feelings you have awakened in me, I am beginning to dream, to have hope again. For so long I have shut these emotions off, protected myself from feeling, so I do not hurt again. Now I fear my heart has suddenly been exposed, left in the open, to be loved or to be hurt? Either way I hope that when the time comes I am ready for what life throws at me. But, please I pray it is not hurt. I'm not sure I can survive another disappointment, another heart break.
If only wishes were real & dreams came true.
Finding Myself Part I
So, let me just start by saying I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke up with one as well. Talk about the start of a new beginning. What has caused all this spontaneous smiling? I can't really pin point an answer, so I would say it's a combination of events which merged together to form one great evening out. Here is Part I of my story:
I began the evening studying for the bar exam learning about secured transactions & commercial paper. As I was studying, i received a text message from my friend "Emo" asking if I wanted to go out to the SR, this restaurant on the lake and watch the sun go down. Willing to jump at any excuse to get away from learning about purchase money security interests, drafts & promissory notes, I of course responded with a resounding YES. About an hour and half later I was headed out to the Lake with my friends Emo & "Flash." As we were driving down, I learned that a case Emo has been working on was granted an appeal; explaining his celebratory mood. And for Flash, to give you a taste, when you go out with him, it's a free night at the Improv staring Flash Gordon. This night he was particularly hyper. Being in a good mood, I don't know I just wasn't feeling the comments, especially when the conversation turned toward a discussion of their conquests. So here is important event #1:
So, I was raised by my dad & brother, played sports and have always had many guys as friends. I'm used to hearing the "talk" about girls, but I guess it never really bothered me until last night. Do I really want to hear about your conquests? No. Do I really want to hear something that's supposed to be beautiful be brought to its lowest level & assigned a number? No. I have to admit the other reason I was uncomfortable in the car was that I am a woman & was there. I wanted to say "How dare you talk about other females this way in front of me! Have you no respect?" But, I bit my tongue, txted my girl friends asking them to shoot me and save me from the guys.
So, I don't know if my reaction stems from the recent new found respect I have gained for myself, or if it's a result of important event which was later admitted too at the end of the night ...
To Be Continued ...
Warning: although this story is mostly true, I have taken a little poetic licenses to exaggerate some events to correspond with my new found reactions & feelings.