Finding Myself Part III

Continuing on the same glorious night, after we finished eating dinner and we were still at the restaurant another friend of ours met up with us, let's just call her Iris (and Flash, if you can figure out why I choose this nickname, you'll have earned a boon!). Anyway, Iris and I met my last year of law school, dolt.  She is from here, but worked for a couple of year in NYC, with a very nice job, in a very male dominated field.  She's my age, very blunt, forthright and what you see is what you get.  She has also been around the block in terms of life experiences and I have to say we clicked very quickly and I am glad for it.  

Anyway, she finally made it to the restaurant, we made the introductions to everyone and shortly after a couple of us decided to continue on with the night and head to a bar.  I decided to catch a ride with Iris, to catch up & escape another moment in the car with the boys.  As we were heading to another bar, I finally broke down and just gab about EVERYTHING.  It's just been so hard not having a friend who understands the emotional turmoil I am facing; someone who does not judge, is just supportive and gets it. For once, I have a friend who can actually give me useful advice that I had not thought of already (not that I actually take the advice, but it at least gives me another perspective to ponder).

During the car ride, I explain to her a situation I have been facing recently.  I have developed feelings for a certain someone and really do not know what to do with them.  He's a great guy, but I can tell I've already been placed in the "friend" zone with him.  Plus, these feelings are really inconvenient and as my dad says, feelings rarely are convenient. You see I am trying to sort out my baggage, my issues and my life, having the focus on me.  I really can't afford to take on anyone else's baggage or issues. So my intellect tells me to, STOP TURN AROUND AND RUN! But, my heart keeps hoping for a different result.

Of course I have not acted on these feelings, and my other girlfriends had no clue about them as they really don't know that much about my relationship with this guy (so good job on hiding those feelings to the outside world, woohoo).  Iris is telling me they are what they are and just accept them.  Be the friend for this guy and maybe someday he'll realize what's in front of his face.  My reaction to that, is no way jose.  My typically response to these kind of situations is to shut those feelings down and put distance, time and space between me and the guy to let the feelings dissipate. I mean, I don't want to wait around for him to "realize" or whatever, especially when all that type of thinking leads to is hoping for something that is not and may never be.

Coming full circle to Part I, the reason why the conversation with the guys, in the car annoyed me so much is I'm tired of being every guys "friend."  When will I be seen as a women, not a friend, not a sex object, not a girl, but a women. I realize though, guys will not stop seeing me this way until I stop acting this way and demanding more. I have to admit I like being one of the "guys" sometimes, but really I'm not a guy, and I have different needs, likes, desires and expectations. Although I view myself is a strong independent women, I really do want some traditional roles to be filled, for a change I would like to be treated with respect, kindness and some social grace.

Well I definitely did not see where this piece was moving, but there it is ... only 3 more parts to write, then I'll be done with that one night and can gab about my adventure at The Beach. 

Till next time...

Peace, love and all that jazz.