Finding Myself Part II

When we finally arrived at the restaurant, my girl friends had not yet arrived.  We put our name in for a table outside, on the patio, with a view and waited for everyone to meet up.  As everyone is drinking around me (I am at a time in my life where I am choosing to not drink when I go out, can't handle the hangovers and can't afford the lost time while studying for the bar), I am admiring the ambience and drinking in the atmosphere.  The couples around us are dressed to the nines and seem more in line with my age bracket.  I look over the couples with an envious eye; thinking it would be so nice to have a romantic date.

I have to admit that throughout most of the night I was listening but not really participating in the conversation.  My friends were quoting lines from movies and songs, which I have no aptitude at.  So instead of trying insert myself into the conversation or steer it towards some other topic, I preferred to let it continue around.  One of my many faults, however, is that I am easily bored.  So to stay off my boredom, I played solitaire on my cell phone while listening to the conversation around me.  I know it appeared to everyone else I was having a conversation via txt.  Why do you ask?  Because every so often I would break out in laughter.  What my friends around me didn't realize, or don't realize, is I am a great multi-tasker, so while I appear not to be listening I am, and am adding my own two cents about what's being said, how it's being said, and by whom.  It would be rather embarrassing for me if I did not have a filter between my head and mouth.  Luckily for me, I do and most of my smart ass comments, or snide remarks stay in check.

The comments are not meant to be mean, but sometimes to put certain people in their place, so as not to allow their heads to swell too big with their own self-importance.  Granted, I know this is all an act, hence the reason I keep my comments to myself.  Plus, I have to admit, sometimes people would not get some of my references.  While they quote movies & lyrics, I quote books, philosophers or just use euphemisms.  

Anyway, the point to this portion of the story is, I no longer feel the need to fit in to every conversation or situation in which I find myself landing in.  Normally, conversations such as these would make me uncomfortable, feel inadequate and left out; got to love our little insecurities.  But that night, I was perfectly content to allow those around me have the spotlight on themselves and talk about things which hold no interest for me, while I observed and reflected on the dynamics of the group and amused myself in my own way. 

I am very happy I no longer feel the need to fit in anymore, because, quite frankly, I have never "fit in" in big groups of people. I've always felt more comfortable and more successful in small groups or with one on one interactions.  

So epiphany number 2: I do not need to force myself into a conversation to "fit in" or even feel a part of a group. I can be very content just watching and listening to those around me.  It's nice to feel more comfortable in my own skin and no longer playing societal games.