The Anniversary

So, July 4, 11 years ago I was rapped by an acquaintance. I've been in and out of counseling, on and off of anti-depressants for years. Last years 4th of July was the first time I went out with friends to see fireworks. I thought I was moving in the right direction. However, this year it snuck up and blind sided me.



You see I have had plenty stressors in my life recently; got in a some trouble, my dad left for China again, and I am currently trying to study for the bar exam. But, thinking last year went ok, this year should be better right? So, I had a group of friends over for a BBQ, games & then we went to the fireworks. I got home around 11:30 and really couldn't face the night alone. My brain was working overtime. So, I decided to head out with 2 of my friends. Low and behold, 4 drinks later we are heading back to my place & I have a complete meltdown, IN FRONT OF THEM.



I have to admit, if I hadn't had those 4 drinks, I would never have asked them to stay or have broken down so completely in front of them. And I have to admit I'm a little embarrassed by the whole thing. But, it was the first time I didn't have to spend that night by myself; the first time I had someone hold me as a mourned over my loss.



So, as much as I can be hung up on the fact that I let someone actually see me vulnerable, I'd rather focus on the fact I finally was not alone to face it. What a nice relief.



The other really good thing that came out of the whole incident was that I finally faced / realized a type of emotional abandonment which stemmed out of the rape. I remember telling my mom about the rape, and her response was to ask whether I was drinking. My response was yes. I don't remember exactly what her response was, but in essence I got it was my fault for putting myself in that situation by drinking. So not only did I have the physical, mental, & emotional trauma from the rape itself, but I had an emotional trauma resulting from my mom's response to the rape.



I have to admit, I really felt abandoned and now I finally get why for years I have been wondering what's wrong with me. I mean if my own mom can't love me, or can abandon me, why would anyone else want me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty intelligent person and know this is bunk, but emotionally this is how I have felt for years. After discovering this is really where it stems from, helped me to move on. For the first time in a long while I feel as though a burden has been lifted from my shoulders, I am excited about facing the next day (hence the reason I am still awake this late at night, can't seem to sleep but for the excitement). The most important realization for me is that I deserve so much better than what I settle for when it comes to men.



No more settling for second best, or overlooking some serious defects just because they give me attention or treat me nice upon occasion. I deserve, no I DEMAND better. Guess I'll be single for a while more then ;-)



So here's a shout out to all my fellow women; do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. Don't settle b/c there's nothing better at the moment, or it's too hard to end something or start something new. It's not worth it in the long run and it will only make you more miserable and lessen your feelings of self worth.



Peace, love and all that jazz ...