An Emotionally Bad Day...

So, the previous post is how I started off feeling today and really am still feeling.  I actually wrote it about 5 years ago when suffering from a painfully long period of depression.  For a couple of years now I have lived in fear of relapsing back to the hopelessness that I felt back then.  So, I have been living my life in a sort of emotionally numb stage.  Never too happy, never too sad, I call it content.  The only problem is I didn't feel as though I was living, only just existing.  I am attempting to correct this, and have opened myself up once again to life. It has been a mixed blessing.  I have finally been able to start building a meaningful relationship with my mother (my parents divorced when I was 8 and she moved out of state and became a once a weekend a month mom).  She has begun surprising me left and right.  We went to the driving range this past Sunday and we are planning to take Salsa lessons together.  On top of that, I feel as though she is really starting to get to know me as a person, not just as a daughter.  So, I am incredibly thankful for this opportunity.

On the other side of the coin, I have been attempting to put myself out there, making an effort to meet new people and develop meaningful relationships.  As usual, my efforts have been rebuffed and rebuked.  I just don't get.  I am overall a nice, genuine person, who has tons of interests.  I'm also very laid back and I'm not socially awkward.  And I still can't figure out why I have such a hard time making friends.  My first thought is always what's wrong with me, but I know there is nothing wrong with me.  So, then my second though is what's wrong with everybody else.  It's just so frustrating.  I'm basically all but ignored at work by my co-workers my own age.  When I go out (not at the bar scene), I just can't seem to meet anyone who has any interest in getting to know me.  At times like this I want to just throw in the towel.  But, I have learned that in life you must persevere.  So, here's to not giving up, but still bitching and frustrated about it in the meantime.