Vegas Baby
08.08.09 (2:17 pm) [edit]
Just a note, I am not taking my laptop with me on my 2 week vacay to Vegas, so I'm not sure how much I will be checking in. So have a good summer & be back in 2 weeks with lots of stories to tell I'm sure.
The Calm After the Storm
08.07.09 (12:04 am) [edit]
So this pertains to my earlier rantings. I have been going through some major life style changes lately and am finally dealing with a ton of emotional baggage I have ignored for too long. One of these changes is I no longer drink, as it was spinning out of control. As a result, my perceptions of my interactions with my friends has changed. As a result of the current incidents, I have been re-evaluating my relationships and attempting to determine what I really want in a friend and what type of friend I want to be. Through this process I have come to several conclusions.
One, drinking buddies do not equal friends. There has to be something more deep & meaningful for me to classify my association with someone as a friendship. Two, friendships need nurturing and time. Three, I want to keep some the friendships I've gained because they do have a solid foundation, but in order to do that I need communicate more with them, as they do with me.
What has brought me to these conclusions? Well after my rant about my girl friend, I really looked hard and evaluated the situation. I looked within myself & talked to several people. What I discovered is, there are some things in which I need to do in order to prevent situations like this from occurring, namely talk to her, be open, and really figure out what's going on inside that head of hers. I also realized that the changes I am going through makes things awkward and uncomfortable and I should not be making snap judgments about people until I fully understand the emotions being stirred inside of me.
So I picked up dinner tonight and headed over to my friends house and let her know I wanted to talk to her. One of things I discovered was how hurt she's been lately by those of us around her. I also realized that while I have been consumed by my own changes, I have not noticed her problems either. I did point out to her, that I will be there for her, but right now she needs to talk to me, let me know, because I am a little preoccupied, but when she does ask I will be there for her. We also had a frank discussion about her flirting. I understand where she is coming from & know that it's not intentionally done to hurt those of us around her, but I also was able to point out that it has ramifications she will have to accept if she does not want to change those behaviors. I was also able to tell her, that I would really like her to not have to rely so much on attention by men for validation.
I learned 2 important things. She is aware of these issues and being able to talk to her about it, both from my perspective and her perspective only has made us closer. And 2, I can have adult conversations with a friend, discuss uncomfortable topics and still trust that they understand I love them, flaws and all. I also opened the door for her to bring my actions into question, and I have to try and remember to handle it as well as her (sometimes this is a lot easier then others depending on the current emotional state & the approach taken, but I have gotten better at it).
So, although it has been an emotionally grueling day, I'm hoping I made the right decision to trust her, myself and open the doors to communication. I know some of the stuff we spoke about might have other repercussions, but I only hope our friendship is strong enough to survive them.
One, drinking buddies do not equal friends. There has to be something more deep & meaningful for me to classify my association with someone as a friendship. Two, friendships need nurturing and time. Three, I want to keep some the friendships I've gained because they do have a solid foundation, but in order to do that I need communicate more with them, as they do with me.
What has brought me to these conclusions? Well after my rant about my girl friend, I really looked hard and evaluated the situation. I looked within myself & talked to several people. What I discovered is, there are some things in which I need to do in order to prevent situations like this from occurring, namely talk to her, be open, and really figure out what's going on inside that head of hers. I also realized that the changes I am going through makes things awkward and uncomfortable and I should not be making snap judgments about people until I fully understand the emotions being stirred inside of me.
So I picked up dinner tonight and headed over to my friends house and let her know I wanted to talk to her. One of things I discovered was how hurt she's been lately by those of us around her. I also realized that while I have been consumed by my own changes, I have not noticed her problems either. I did point out to her, that I will be there for her, but right now she needs to talk to me, let me know, because I am a little preoccupied, but when she does ask I will be there for her. We also had a frank discussion about her flirting. I understand where she is coming from & know that it's not intentionally done to hurt those of us around her, but I also was able to point out that it has ramifications she will have to accept if she does not want to change those behaviors. I was also able to tell her, that I would really like her to not have to rely so much on attention by men for validation.
I learned 2 important things. She is aware of these issues and being able to talk to her about it, both from my perspective and her perspective only has made us closer. And 2, I can have adult conversations with a friend, discuss uncomfortable topics and still trust that they understand I love them, flaws and all. I also opened the door for her to bring my actions into question, and I have to try and remember to handle it as well as her (sometimes this is a lot easier then others depending on the current emotional state & the approach taken, but I have gotten better at it).
So, although it has been an emotionally grueling day, I'm hoping I made the right decision to trust her, myself and open the doors to communication. I know some of the stuff we spoke about might have other repercussions, but I only hope our friendship is strong enough to survive them.
Another Rant
08.06.09 (12:15 pm) [edit]
I have these two friends who are made for each other. They like one another, but one says "they are not ready to be in a relationship" and the other says she likes the other one yet spends the time flirting with other 3rd parties. You know what get a clue. I would really like to see these person's actions actually correspond what they are spewing out of their mouths. Dude, if you are not interested in a relationship stop f***ing with people's emotions, i.e. stop being such a big f***ing flirt. Chick, if you want girls to take you seriously, stop flirting with every Tom, Dick & Harry that you are not interested in and save some of the action for us. Also, if you expect us to be their to support you, you actually have to act like you care about the person and give us a little respect in return. Seriously, I'm not a f***ing mind reader, I don't know what you are thinking or feeling and can't read your body language because it contradicts whatever comes out of your mouth. You want me to help and be there, then get real.
I just don't get these two people. I don't know if it's lack of self control, attention depravation, or lack of self confidence, but I am tired that what comes out of their mouths does not comport with their actions. How the hell are the rest of us supposed to know what you are feeling or thinking when you are sending contradictory messages? And quite frankly I am so sick of trying to figure out these two people.
Oh let me be clear ... I am tired of going out with said person and being hurt. You want to know how? By being second fiddle, chop liver, easily disregarded by both the assholes we meet and by the friend I go out with. You want to know why you do not have a lot of girl friends or the ones who are around you don't respect you, a) they don't trust you to not flirt with the men they are interested in; b) you'd ditch us girls in a heart beat for a guy; and c) you only care what guys think or how they react to your looks & personalty, what we say does not matter, thanks that makes me feel good. And quite frankly, I am not going to sit there and compete with you for attention. From now on, you want the center, it's all yours & I am walking out of the room, stick a fork in me I am done.
You really want to know why I am so ticked off. I'm hurting because I feel like I was discarded by my friends again & I am ticked off that I constantly hear "I look like shit" yet she still manages to have guys flocking to her, while I sit there feeling like the ugly duckling / wall flower in the room. Please tell me, when do people get real? When can I say, "see with them, what you see is what you get" and I don't have to waste the mental or emotional energy trying to decode them.
Finally, I go out with my friends to feel better, to reconnect with the world. More and more, I find myself being hurt, feeling worse about myself, feeling like the odd person out, etc... I don't expect them to make me happy, that's all on me, but when I am in a good mood to start and I come home feeling like crap, and it's been a pattern lately, it's kind of making me start to wonder. It really hurts me to start pondering whether I need to move on and find different people to hang out with because I'm really tired of coming home feeling like shit, rather than feeling happy that I spent time with my so called friends.
I don't know, cause at the same I know I am emotionally vulnerable right now, but do I really want to surround myself with people who clearly have their own issues to deal with and who constantly hurt me (although I have to admit most probably don't realize it, because I usually just take the shit and move on, well the shit is starting to overflow and I feel the bitch coming out, I'm tired of being dumped on, used, easily disregarded, & taken advantage of). So I guess I will have to start pondering how I can act, to limit / prevent those around me from continuing this or you know what I just need to move on. Any suggestions?
I just don't get these two people. I don't know if it's lack of self control, attention depravation, or lack of self confidence, but I am tired that what comes out of their mouths does not comport with their actions. How the hell are the rest of us supposed to know what you are feeling or thinking when you are sending contradictory messages? And quite frankly I am so sick of trying to figure out these two people.
Oh let me be clear ... I am tired of going out with said person and being hurt. You want to know how? By being second fiddle, chop liver, easily disregarded by both the assholes we meet and by the friend I go out with. You want to know why you do not have a lot of girl friends or the ones who are around you don't respect you, a) they don't trust you to not flirt with the men they are interested in; b) you'd ditch us girls in a heart beat for a guy; and c) you only care what guys think or how they react to your looks & personalty, what we say does not matter, thanks that makes me feel good. And quite frankly, I am not going to sit there and compete with you for attention. From now on, you want the center, it's all yours & I am walking out of the room, stick a fork in me I am done.
You really want to know why I am so ticked off. I'm hurting because I feel like I was discarded by my friends again & I am ticked off that I constantly hear "I look like shit" yet she still manages to have guys flocking to her, while I sit there feeling like the ugly duckling / wall flower in the room. Please tell me, when do people get real? When can I say, "see with them, what you see is what you get" and I don't have to waste the mental or emotional energy trying to decode them.
Finally, I go out with my friends to feel better, to reconnect with the world. More and more, I find myself being hurt, feeling worse about myself, feeling like the odd person out, etc... I don't expect them to make me happy, that's all on me, but when I am in a good mood to start and I come home feeling like crap, and it's been a pattern lately, it's kind of making me start to wonder. It really hurts me to start pondering whether I need to move on and find different people to hang out with because I'm really tired of coming home feeling like shit, rather than feeling happy that I spent time with my so called friends.
I don't know, cause at the same I know I am emotionally vulnerable right now, but do I really want to surround myself with people who clearly have their own issues to deal with and who constantly hurt me (although I have to admit most probably don't realize it, because I usually just take the shit and move on, well the shit is starting to overflow and I feel the bitch coming out, I'm tired of being dumped on, used, easily disregarded, & taken advantage of). So I guess I will have to start pondering how I can act, to limit / prevent those around me from continuing this or you know what I just need to move on. Any suggestions?
Loving Caress
08.05.09 (1:27 am) [edit]
You come to me every night. Your tender touch and smooth skin caresses my cheek and I feel whole again. For a short while you make me feel as if only the two of exist in the world. You bring light to my darkness, comfort to my pain and you keep loneliness at bay. Your arms surround me and I feel alive and connected to the world once again. The smell of your skin brings me peace and calmness, your being quiets my soul.
I feel free to fly into ecstasy, trusting you will be there to catch me when I land. You heighten all my feelings, emotional and physical, so I feel as if I am bursting with life inside. You strum my body like a precious instrument playing the age old tune of love while I breath in your essence. Never have I felt such connection with another being, another soul. Never have I felt such connection and understanding of myself. This is the gift you bring to me every night and I will be forever grateful. I vow to repay such bounty by remaining forever in your arms, your heart, your soul.
I feel free to fly into ecstasy, trusting you will be there to catch me when I land. You heighten all my feelings, emotional and physical, so I feel as if I am bursting with life inside. You strum my body like a precious instrument playing the age old tune of love while I breath in your essence. Never have I felt such connection with another being, another soul. Never have I felt such connection and understanding of myself. This is the gift you bring to me every night and I will be forever grateful. I vow to repay such bounty by remaining forever in your arms, your heart, your soul.
Just Some Random Thoughts
08.03.09 (11:28 pm) [edit]
So, I took the bar exam and let me tell you it was really not as hard as I expected. It's just a lot of memorization of the law and being able to apply it in a fast & concise manner. So, hopefully I passed, but if not I have a good bases to move forward from. Now I am studying for the MPRE (Professional, Responsibility & Ethics) test for Friday. Saturday I head to Vegas for 2 weeks, but don't get too excited for me. While working out, laying by the pool, I will be studying for the GREs for my PhD programs.
All I have to say, at least I get a change of scenery & can get out of dodge for a while. I really need a change in pace, people & scenery.
I guess the thing that I have been noticing lately is that I am finally growing up. The silly stupid comedy that used to be fun & stress relieving is just annoying, childish and immature. I feel as though sometimes when I go out it's a waste of a good outfit & a waste of my time. My friend and I have really been discussing the lack of stimuli where we live. Let me explain a little more...
My friends and I went out to dinner for 2 birthdays. While we were sitting around the table, the level of conversation was of the meaningless type. I just sat there with nothing to contribute thinking to myself, except for being here for my friends birthdays (because that is important to me) I was completely bored & annoyed. I just don't understand meaningless conversations. Why are you talking if you have nothing of import to say? Nothing of substance, or nothing that lets us get to know one another more? I just felt as though I was wasting my time. I guess you could say, more and more, the things in life that interest me are learning about people and experiences; not the superficial conversations that bring no knew meaning of who someone is.
It's like going to a party, seeing an acquaintance & asking them how they are just to be polite when half the time I don't really care. If I did you would be my friend & I would attempt to get to know you more. But as I watch the dynamics of my group of friends, I see a weird microcosms of interactions & group dynamics. And I have to say, I'm getting pretty bored just hanging out. I want to experience more of life than just hanging out, drinking, whatever. So, I am resolved to fill my schedule with new interesting plans. I want to live my life to the fullest and stop partaking in things that bore me. I have suffered through enough for my friends with little in return and I am just done.
I wonder if maybe it's time for me to break out of my close circle of friends and expand my horizons beyond them. Do not get me wrong, I love them all as individuals & they have been wonderful friends, I just don't think most of them get the changes I am going through.
Plus I have to admit, I am not one who fights for the spotlight, but occasionally I would like some attention. But those needs are not being fulfilled by this circle of friends, so I need to seek out other places to get this need fulfilled. I guess what I am trying to say is I am tired of being lonely with so many people surrounding me.
What to do? What to do?
All I have to say, at least I get a change of scenery & can get out of dodge for a while. I really need a change in pace, people & scenery.
I guess the thing that I have been noticing lately is that I am finally growing up. The silly stupid comedy that used to be fun & stress relieving is just annoying, childish and immature. I feel as though sometimes when I go out it's a waste of a good outfit & a waste of my time. My friend and I have really been discussing the lack of stimuli where we live. Let me explain a little more...
My friends and I went out to dinner for 2 birthdays. While we were sitting around the table, the level of conversation was of the meaningless type. I just sat there with nothing to contribute thinking to myself, except for being here for my friends birthdays (because that is important to me) I was completely bored & annoyed. I just don't understand meaningless conversations. Why are you talking if you have nothing of import to say? Nothing of substance, or nothing that lets us get to know one another more? I just felt as though I was wasting my time. I guess you could say, more and more, the things in life that interest me are learning about people and experiences; not the superficial conversations that bring no knew meaning of who someone is.
It's like going to a party, seeing an acquaintance & asking them how they are just to be polite when half the time I don't really care. If I did you would be my friend & I would attempt to get to know you more. But as I watch the dynamics of my group of friends, I see a weird microcosms of interactions & group dynamics. And I have to say, I'm getting pretty bored just hanging out. I want to experience more of life than just hanging out, drinking, whatever. So, I am resolved to fill my schedule with new interesting plans. I want to live my life to the fullest and stop partaking in things that bore me. I have suffered through enough for my friends with little in return and I am just done.
I wonder if maybe it's time for me to break out of my close circle of friends and expand my horizons beyond them. Do not get me wrong, I love them all as individuals & they have been wonderful friends, I just don't think most of them get the changes I am going through.
Plus I have to admit, I am not one who fights for the spotlight, but occasionally I would like some attention. But those needs are not being fulfilled by this circle of friends, so I need to seek out other places to get this need fulfilled. I guess what I am trying to say is I am tired of being lonely with so many people surrounding me.
What to do? What to do?