A Direction without Directions
So, as I said before I've found an old journal and re-read some of my writings and entries. I also started a book about, jeeze, 5 yrs ago now. I was reading the introduction. It was before I graduated from undergrad and started off with how I had no clue what I was going to do with me life, even though I was getting my B.A. The last four years, I've felt the same way...as though I had no direction in life.
Well, now I have a direction, or at least I've found a map. I'm in law school, and you know what? I now have to eventually decided what I want to do in the law. Eeek, can't I just fall into something? I think my problem is I have too many intersts and I have just enough interest in things to make me interested, but not enough interest to sustain my interest. Did you get that? I'm like the kid who gets excited over a new toy and then gets bored after a couple of days and wants something else. I wonder if it's because I haven't found something I'm passionate about that could actually lead to a career or if I'm just a fickle person by nature.
Ok, so don't mind me, it's 3:45A and I just finished writing a memo and debating on whether I can risk going to bed for a couple of hours and actually waking up, or if I'm better off just staying up all night to make sure I get my paper turned in on time...hmm, do I or don't I? See, I can't even make that decision, ugh! Hmm, what to do, what to do...
The Writing Process...
I HATE the writing process. I'm sitting here trying to put to words what I know in my head. I hate that I feel as though I'm forceably pulling my thought out of my head onto the computer. I recognize the brilliance in the writing process, I learn, I create, I analyze, organize, etc... Yet, I hate I feel as though I'm constantly battling myself. Why is it so difficult? Why is the means by which we communicate so hard!
Yet, I know once I've complete my paper, I will be relieved, proud and wiser. Can't we just skip the in between part?
Still struggling...got to get back to it...peace.
I think it's funny when . . .
...I stay up late the night before I have an early class, when I know I'll be tired the next day. At least after 26 yrs of living I have my morning routine down to 15mins ... shower, plan what I'll wear while in the shower, get dressed, grab my books and go...I recently donated my hair to Locks for Love so, I can let it air dry and have it look good. No breakfast or makeup for me in the morning. I've even given up my coffee unless I make it the night before and have cold coffee in the AM. Ah, what I sacrifice for sleep.
...I procrstinate doing work and get on the comp. or watch tv instead. Yeesh, you'd think after going through the first round of college I would have learned by now, apparently not.
...I trip up the stairs not down. Silly, silly me...
...I get stressed over things of my own making. Both my brother and father are out of the country and I was delegate General Power of Attorney for them. So, I have the new lovely responsibility of keeping up with their financial responsibilities and commitments. I agreed to do this and sometimes it's not a bother, but I'm feeling the pressure right now. Also, I'm behind in my studies and have a memo to right...my fault b/c I took the weekend off to veg.
...Just when you need it, a break in the tide comes. I have a four day weekend, no school, no memo writing nothing. Glorious glorious weekend, maybe I can catch up on my studies...or maybe not.
...Just when you don't need another thing to go wrong...something enevitably does. I'm in the process of closing on my house and the furnace needs to be replaced. I've been dealing w/ this issue for the last two weeks at least and there does not seem to be any resolution on the horizon. To top it off, my mortgage company will not go to closing until the issue is resolved. YES!
...You want a second cigarette, but you gave the last one away.
...You committ yourself to something, knowing you won't have the motivation to complete the tasks assigned. I'm joining a Law Fraternity and offered to become social chair. This is a last ditch attempt to pull myself out of my social seclusion I have practiced the last couple of years after graduating from undergrad. What is wrong with me? I want to be social sometimes, but do not want the committment it entails. I'm one of those wishy washy people. Do you want to go out? At the time I say yes, I do, but by the time it rolls around I want to bail out. And now I've taken on the position of social chair! Yeesh, what was I thinking. I don't even no the area all that well. I'm thinking about abdicating my position...
...I have conversations w/ myself in my head and it comes out in public. No, I'm not crazy, I swear.
...I can laugh at the ironies I create in my daily life.
Dalai Lama Visits UB Law - Check out the Video
So the Dalai Lama came to UB and the Law school had a special conference at the law school entitled "Law, Buddhism, and Social Change". I was unable to attend or watch live, but the video is available at the web page below for anyone who is interested. You can skip about the first 13 minutes, they are just introducting who's there from where...it's where they explain why they are holding the conference and then his holiness comes in about 23 minutes in...enjoy!
Old Age and Binge Drinking Don't Mix
Rediscovered Writings
"What hurts you only makes you stronger"
Written: Sunday, June 13, 1999.
Whomever thought this must have been hurt quite a bit in life and survived it all. To have a positive attitude about pain proves experience. Only after experiencing pain over and over again can you learn from it.
Pain is a great teacher. It teaches you what bounds you are willing to take to survive it. Also, what changes you are willing to make in the aftermath of it. Pain consumers you, tears at your heart and takes a piece of you with it. It never dies, but only hides in the shadows, waiting to consume you again.
But pain is its own worst enemy. The more it builds in the shadows, the more strength one person gains - the strength to survive and have a positive outlook and learn from it. To learn that sometimes pain is necessary to come, in order for you to realize what turns in the road you want to take in life. It makes you realize you are only human, and are very capable of feeling every emotion - that you are not above it.
It let's you know you are alive. Without pain there is no happiness, and without happiness there is no life.
Bitter Sweet
Written: 2002
Life is full of birth and death.
It is a never ending cycle.
We come from our mothers;
The first experience to the light.
We live in a bubble of innocence.
Then at once, sooner or later,
The innocence dies, and we mourn.
We live in a haze, constantly struggling;
Full of questions with no answers.
Lost and confused, the darkness beckons.
Eventually our struggles are rewarded.
We are awaken to a new light.
Just as dawn is surrounded varying color,
Life becomes full of grays.
Wiser now, we mourn the passing of
Our innocence, longing for remembered days.
Fearfully we look to the future
To try and determine what is in store.
We no longer fear death,
For we have experienced it already.
We have been cloaked in darkness
Surrounded by loneliness and detached
from the heavenly light.
Now we must survive until we can return
Through the final death in life, the grave.
Overwhelming Fear
Written: Tuesday, September 4, 2001
I think I’m going mad,
I think I’m going crazy,
Waiting with anticipation,
Fearing what you’ll say.
My Heart is on the line,
For the second time.
The timing is not right
Lord, I know.
But something inside
Stirs deep within my soul.
Anxiety and fear
Keeps it at bay.
They quell my hopes,
For what you’ll say,
To what is hiding
Deep inside my heart.
Dysthymia
Always alone, desolate, and desperate;
fear consumes me.
Yet, it steadily fades away,
into emotional numbness.
Nevertheless, it is only short lived,
this meager reprieve,
and the pain comes again.
It steadily seeps into my mind,
taking away all control,
all happiness,
all Hope.
Alone, desolate, desperate,
fear consumes once again,
a never-ending circle.
Yet drops dead with one thought,
an everlasting reprieve—my only savior,
to never feel again.
Untitled
Written: May 14, 2000
Make your life like the wind,
Always moving, never stopping.
But pause for a second and,
Enjoy those moments, the quiet
Unexplainable moments of life.
Very Disillusioned Day
As most of you know, I have begun law school. One of my first assignments was to re-read the Constitution of the United States. As I've reviewed this amazing document, I have several comments about the current political administration. First, the 8th Amendment protects us against cruel and unusual punishment. As I continue to study both Constitutional and Criminal Law I will begin to learn what is defined as "cruel and unusual". However, there are some commonly known examples; we do not torture, we have a right to representation, we have a right to confront our accusers, etc... It seems with the President's new attempts to expand the power of interrogators on how to treat detainees; he is forgetting the standards in which we hold ourselves and country too. Does this mean that those who are not citizens of this country do not deserve the same standards we apply to ourselves? Is it just enough that we believe them to be terrorist that they are automatically guilty? If safety is an excuse used to violate these laws established for ourselves, what other excuses and short cuts will our "leaders" use in order to "protect" us?
What frequently frightens me is that the citizens of this country more and more complacently give up those rights endowed by our Constitution and turn a blind eye when those same standards are not applied to our supposed enemies or threats. As Colin Powell argued, if we do not hold ourselves to the same standards, what will prevent other nations from acting in a similar fashion to our brave men and women at war?
I am also constantly frustrated by the smear and abuse Democrats get from pointing out these dangers in this type of action/thinking. They are called weak on defense and security. Let me just say, holding our country to high standards is not weak on security. Finding other means for accomplishing our goals is always an option, and apparently the Bush Administration cannot think outside the box. He refuses to deviate from the course he has set, yet violence and hatred of America is spreading throughout the world. Are we really safer just because another attack has not been successful on our soil? Or, are we creating and inflaming the dangers for the future? I believe the action of this Presidency will ripple for quite sometime throughout the many administrations to follow. We will have to find ways to clean up the mess created by this administration.
On another note, I have taken a hiatus from both the news and blogging because of school. It disheartens me to turn on the news and see more and more disappointing, frustrating news. Is nothing going on in the world that is good? I saw an interview with George Clooney on Darfur and still no action has been taken by the world community to stop this atrocity. What's even more sick, is I talked to a fellow classmate about it, and they had no clue to what I was talking about. In case anyone does not know, Darfur is the location of our own 21st Century Genocide. Yes, that's right people; the human race really has advanced back in time. And we haven't even learned from the Holocaust or Rwanda. Today I'm really proud to be a part of the human race.