Everything and Nothing to Say . . .

So, I finally met some really amazing people (not law students) up here in Buffalo.  It seems most of the people I meet that are not natives of the area are the ones I connect with.  The funny thing is before going back to law school, I would say I was completely anti-social.  I rarely went out and was basically a homebody.  Now, when I go out I'm so very social and meet tons of cool people and all and all have a blast.  I don't even have to be drunk to accomplish this.  It's a great overall feeling.

I'm especially excited because I finally met a girl who, how do I want to explain this, who is a friend soul mate.  We've only hung out twice, yet we really connect, are completely comfortable together and have a really good time together.  You see, being the social being that I am, I meet lots of people and have friends, but I also have only a few really close friends and I believe she will be one for me.  Which is sooooo great for me because all of my close high school friends live in Maryland and my close college friends live in the Mid-West (Indiana and Missouri).  Although I love them all to death, it's not the same as having them in the same City.  So, I'm so thankful I found this beautiful women to be my friend.  Plus, I think we'll both be good for one another.

Ok, changing gears now...so, I was talking with her and a couple of other people and here is what I've come decided is the difference between Reps and Dems.  Reps. look at things from the standpoint of how it effects themselves personally, whereas Dems. typically look at how things will effect society as a whole.  Of course, I'm generalizing, but I when I've asked Reps. why they believe what they do or why they support the things they do, it always is limited to their personal experience or own self-interest.  And since, I never really question Dems. a whole lot about why they believe or support the things they do, I have to look at from my own personal perspective.  Typically, the first thing I consider is what's best for society as a whole rather than my own personal self interest. 

Please do not think I'm criticizing or trying to say one way is better than another.  This is just what I have found up to this point.  Of course, as I keep learning and experiencing I'm sure it will change.  It's always hard to take something so complex and simplify it to such a degree, but here's my first attempt.

Anyway, I really need to try and go to bed.  I've got class at 9:30A tomorrow.

Peace, love and all that jazz.

So, I know it's been awhile but my first semester of Law School is completed.  So far I have one A(Research & Writing) and one B (Criminal Law).  My two other exams have yet to post grades (Constitutional Law and Torts), but I will be extremely shocked if I don't get As in those classes as well.  I walked out of those exams feeling as though I nailed them.  So, keep your fingers crossed for me.

On another note, I've been reevaluating things and sometimes I wonder if I'm blessed.  Let me explain...for the first time in a while I took a leap of faith in myself.  I didn't stress out too much about the first semester of law school nor did I put any added effort into the semester.  My dad has been telling me for years that I'm a lot smarter than I give myself credit for and I took that leap of faith this semester.  I'm hoping my grades end up proving that leap right.  The leap also made it a lot easier for me.  I did not end up self sabotaging myself (which I'm proned to do) and I did not stress about when I did receive a successful grade (i.e. one of the highest Memorandum grades in my R&W class), I didn't stress out too much about meeting or exceeding the expectation of my teacher.  You see once I set the bar for myself in a certain area or class, I tend to fear I cannot live up to those expectations and in essence fulfill that fear by sabotaging myself.  This semester, however, I was sabotage free!  Yipee!

Ok, here's another reason I'm beginning to really appreciate things in my life.  I, like everyone else, am fallible and make stupid decisions sometimes.  The consequences of these decisions, however, are never as bad as they could be.  It's though I have my own personal Angel watching my back and keeping me safe from experiencing the really bad consequences.  I do, however, learn my lesson and try to change for the better, recognizing I got off pretty damn easy.

Ok, another example...I started, about a week ago, looking for a job for this semester.  I would really like to be back in an office with what I consider a "Real" job for myself.  However, my schedule this semester puts my classes during normal business hours.  I had almost resigned myself to working retail again, just to make some extra money (the only reason I do not consider this a "Real" job for me is because it's not something I would want to pursue as a career for myself, I'm not trying to knock these jobs at all).  Anyway, Tuesday I found an advertisement for an administrative job working for a law firm from 5p-9p.  I couldn't believe it.  I have tons of experience working Admin jobs and one of the main reasons for going to Law school was so I wouldn't have to do Admin jobs for the rest of my life, but it pays better than retail, it's in a law firm giving me experience in real property law, and it fits my schedule.  How cool is that.  I just interviewed for the job today and hopefully I end up getting it.  I can bring in some extra cash and learn something about the law, outside of the classroom.

Such has been the story of my life.  I have received blessing after blessing.  Don't get me wrong, I have experienced darker side of life, which make appreciating what I do recieve so much more important.  And also don't get me wrong, I don't throw these blessings at the window, expect them, or abuse them.  I just like to think that I have worked hard to get where I am and the blessings I have received are a result of that hard work and determination.

So suffice to say, my life is going pretty damn good right now.  I have an inner peace I have not experienced in a long time and I'm not struggling with myself as much as before.  I have only two areas left in my life which I need to regain control over, smoking and exercising.  I'm hoping that the smooth running areas of my life will give me the opportunity to focus on these two areas and make the necessary changes.  Wish me luck because I've been struggling with these two areas for sometime now, and I'm hoping to finally make the switch. 

Oh, and one more note of information...I applied for a Master's in Public Health program here at my school to be compelted in conjunction with my JD.  So, keep your fingers crossed for me!

I hope everyone had a great holiday and that everyone is doing well!

Peace Out. 

Well guys, I've officially own my house.  It's finally over!  Yippee!  Just in time for finals.  Eeesh, out of one fire into another.  I can't wait until it's done.  But, then again, I kind of can.  I'm considering working next semester, as well as focusing on getting back in fit, while trying to keep up with school.  I'm wondering if I'll be able to maintain that schedule, but we'll see.  I really want to get back into shape, but I also want to pay of my credit cards--which translates into a need for mola.  At the same time, I can't let me grades suffer as it will help land me a job in the long run.  I guess we'll see how it goes.

On another note, my dad is coming back from China early.  We rented out the house he was living in, so he'll be moving in with me.  This has its benefits: he can help with the bills, the house chores and cooking.  Definately would free some of my time up to do everything I want to next semester.  My one friend is shocked that I'm so ok with my dad living with me.  But, I tried to explain it to her that after living on my own for sooooo many years, taking care of myself and then having a short stint of living with him before, I kind of enjoyed having someone else to help out around the house and with day to day living.  Plus, we're really good friends and it's not so much as a father daughter relationship as a friendship.  Plus, he's a really strong supporter and motivator to me.  So, I don't really mind he stays with me until we find him something else.  But, really I'm hoping I end up moving out because I'm getting married...eh, I can always keep my fingers crossed.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.  I will be stressed out and psycho for the next couple of weeks.  Our grades for our classes comes down to one final for each class.  Talk about laying on the pressure.  Yeesh!  Anyway, I'll try and check in after the holidays!  So, if I don't check in before: Happy Holidays!!!! 

Ok, so my brother forwarded this e-mail and I thought it should be posted on my blog.  Just another example of life's litte hypocrisies.

All hail the moral majority!

--10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong--

1) Being gay is NOT natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage would be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

(one of the saddest parts about our society is that, these arguments, before the humourous common sense, are the real reasons why people can't accept gay
marriages.)

Repost this if you believe gay marriages should be legal Please repost this, even if you are straight & don't feel like it affects you. Legalizing gay marriage will help our society as a whole to WAKE UP & accept love in all of it's forms. HATE IS NOT A FAMILY VALUE! I was raised to respect & love everyone. I hope you agree.

So, I have a history of major depression and some past traumatic experinces which brought it on.  Now, I'm overly protective of my mental health.  I as so excited to go back to law school, but now it's just another goal I've set for myself and I'm not enjoying it as much.  I have so much outside stress and pressure that I'm starting to crack.  Plus, I'm finding myself in a bit of depression.  It's becoming harder and harder to focus or motivate myself to stay on top of my work.  I think having both my father and brother leave the country has been a huge adjustment for me.  My biggest support system is not as easily accessible as it used to be.

The one really nice thing about living with my dad for the 8 months when I first moved to NY was having another hand to help cook and clean and handle all of the house responsibilities.  Having a house to myself is quite a bit of work alone.  Anyway, I went back to counseling and decided to go back on anti-depressants.  I would rather error on the side of caution with my mental stability than not.  Especially with both the holidays and exams coming up I might to make sure I'm in the best possible position for success.

God, I hate the idea of going back on the meds. but I'm not willing to take the chance that I can't pull through or deal with everything in time to be ready for exams.  C'est la vie.

So I'm taking Criminal Law this year and I thought these stats from the FBI's Uniform Crime Reports for the US (UCR) were intersting.  These statitstics excludes negligent homicide or acts of justifiable or excusable homicide:

1.  The American murder rate peaked in 1980 and again in 1990 at about 10 murders per 100,000 people.  A slow decline occurred, and in the mid-1990s, there were about 22,000 homicides per year, or a rate of about 7.5 (still by far the highest rate among large industrialized democracies).  2002 saw about 16,000 murders, for a rate of 5.6 per 100,000 people (over a 40% percent drop from 1990). 

2.  The most homicidal month in 2002 was July, the least February.

3.  The South has by a slight margin the highest rate, and the Northeast the lowest, with the Weat and Midwest in between.

4.  In terms of victims, 77% were males, 10% under the age of 18, 25% were under 22 y/o; approx. half were Black, and almost half White, w/ other racial categories making up the small remainder.

5.   In terms of offenders, 90% were male, 5% were under 18 y/o, and 22% were under 22; among these offenders identified by race, approx. 50% were Black, and 48% White (but 29% off all offenders were not id by race).

6.  Homicide is typically interracial.  85% of Whilte victims were killed by White offenders; 91% of Black victims were killed by Black offenders.

7.  Approx. 90% of male victims and 90% of female victims are killed by male offenders.

8.  Firearms (most often handguns) were used in 67% of the homicides.

9.  About 34% of the murders appeared to result from arguments, 17% were caused by or associated w/ some independent felonious activity, 7% (and increasing markedly) were juvenile gang killings. 

Kaplan, John, Robert Weisberg, Guyora Binder, "Criminal Law, Cases and Materials," 5th Ed. Aspen Publishers, Inc. 2004, pp. 304-305.

I don't know what it is or why they have to make the proces of buying a house so damn difficult.  If it's not one thing it's another thing.  We've been trying to close on the damn house now for two months and the mortgage company can't seem to get it together.  Now, it's too late to try and go with someone else and start the whole damn process over again...the seller is getting on my back and I keep e-mailing the company questions with some response but not all.

Right now I feel like throwing in the towel, packing up, finding an new apartment and saying screw it all.  I won't do this, I just feel like it right now.  This is not something I need to be dealing with while dealing with law school.  Arg...

Such is life.

Ok guys, how ironic is this...I finally was able to get a new furnace for my house (as I had been told to NOT use the old one b/c it could possible leak CO, bad) on Tuesday. We had heard on the radio to expect snow mixed with rain on Thursday and Friday with no accumulation. I was so excited to have my new furnace for the coming cold weather. But the joke was on me. I lost power Thursday about 4pm. I was not too worried as I called the electric company and they said the estimated repair time was 7:30pm. Ok, no big deal, I went outside with Tessa (my dog), played with her and cleaned off my car....7:30p rolls around and still no power. I'm breaking out my candles and call the company again. The message was this "Due to the severity of damage in your area, no estimate time of repair has been established." Well shit, I thought, a night w/o power. No big deal. So, I bundle up and bunkered down with my two down comforters, my two cats and one dog. By morning I was stripping out of clothes I was so warm. Ah, but come morning, I looked outside and could not believe my eyes... My car, my house was barried...omg! I get up and the first order of business is to let Tessa out. I break out my snow boots, my winter coat and a pair of gloves...and try to open the door with little luck. The snow was so heavy and thick I could not get my door open enough to slip out. Lucky for me, I had brought the car scrapper and mini shovel I kept in the trunk of my car, inside. So, after a little bit of diggy and manuvering I was able to walk outside. The snow came up to mid calf, and around my car, I could not open my door w/o digging it out. Tessa and I went to the street and checked it out. Tree limbs had fallen all over the place and were continuing to do so. The street was still dark overhead...there was no way I was getting out. As, I had no tv, no radio, I dug my car out and listened to the radio in the car. Schools were closed...I figured as much but everyone told me how prepared Buffalo is and how they never shut down for snow....HA!

Anyway, I stayed one more night and then finally was able to bail out and drive to Rochester, NY (1 hour east) where my mom lived and had a nice heated house. That was fun in and of itself, because when I started I had next to nothing in gas and had to drive 30 mins. just to find a damn gas station that was opened. Anyhoo, to add to my alrady funny dramatic weekend experience, I went to Urgent Care today and found out I have strep. I guess the best way to spend a snow filled weekend is with strep...hey, at least I'm now in a house with heat! It has yet to be determined whether classes will be cancelled tomorrow or not. I hope so because as it stands I have to miss because I'm sick and at least this way I won't actually miss anything....

Well hope you all had as much a fun filled weekend as I did....

So, as I said before I've found an old journal and re-read some of my writings and entries. I also started a book about, jeeze, 5 yrs ago now. I was reading the introduction. It was before I graduated from undergrad and started off with how I had no clue what I was going to do with me life, even though I was getting my B.A. The last four years, I've felt the same way...as though I had no direction in life.

Well, now I have a direction, or at least I've found a map. I'm in law school, and you know what? I now have to eventually decided what I want to do in the law. Eeek, can't I just fall into something? I think my problem is I have too many intersts and I have just enough interest in things to make me interested, but not enough interest to sustain my interest. Did you get that? I'm like the kid who gets excited over a new toy and then gets bored after a couple of days and wants something else. I wonder if it's because I haven't found something I'm passionate about that could actually lead to a career or if I'm just a fickle person by nature.

Ok, so don't mind me, it's 3:45A and I just finished writing a memo and debating on whether I can risk going to bed for a couple of hours and actually waking up, or if I'm better off just staying up all night to make sure I get my paper turned in on time...hmm, do I or don't I? See, I can't even make that decision, ugh! Hmm, what to do, what to do...

I HATE the writing process.  I'm sitting here trying to put to words what I know in my head.  I hate that I feel as though I'm forceably pulling my thought out of my head onto the computer.  I recognize the brilliance in the writing process, I learn, I create, I analyze, organize, etc... Yet, I hate I feel as though I'm constantly battling myself.  Why is it so difficult?  Why is the means by which we communicate so hard! 

Yet, I know once I've complete my paper, I will be relieved, proud and wiser.  Can't we just skip the in between part?

Still struggling...got to get back to it...peace.

...I stay up late the night before I have an early class, when I know I'll be tired the next day. At least after 26 yrs of living I have my morning routine down to 15mins ... shower, plan what I'll wear while in the shower, get dressed, grab my books and go...I recently donated my hair to Locks for Love so, I can let it air dry and have it look good. No breakfast or makeup for me in the morning. I've even given up my coffee unless I make it the night before and have cold coffee in the AM.  Ah, what I sacrifice for sleep.

...I procrstinate doing work and get on the comp. or watch tv instead. Yeesh, you'd think after going through the first round of college I would have learned by now, apparently not.

...I trip up the stairs not down. Silly, silly me...

...I get stressed over things of my own making. Both my brother and father are out of the country and I was delegate General Power of Attorney for them. So, I have the new lovely responsibility of keeping up with their financial responsibilities and commitments.  I agreed to do this and sometimes it's not a bother, but I'm feeling the pressure right now. Also, I'm behind in my studies and have a memo to right...my fault b/c I took the weekend off to veg.

...Just when you need it, a break in the tide comes. I have a four day weekend, no school, no memo writing nothing. Glorious glorious weekend, maybe I can catch up on my studies...or maybe not.

...Just when you don't need another thing to go wrong...something enevitably does. I'm in the process of closing on my house and the furnace needs to be replaced. I've been dealing w/ this issue for the last two weeks at least and there does not seem to be any resolution on the horizon. To top it off, my mortgage company will not go to closing until the issue is resolved. YES!

...You want a second cigarette, but you gave the last one away.

...You committ yourself to something, knowing you won't have the motivation to complete the tasks assigned. I'm joining a Law Fraternity and offered to become social chair. This is a last ditch attempt to pull myself out of my social seclusion I have practiced the last couple of years after graduating from undergrad. What is wrong with me? I want to be social sometimes, but do not want the committment it entails. I'm one of those wishy washy people. Do you want to go out? At the time I say yes, I do, but by the time it rolls around I want to bail out. And now I've taken on the position of social chair! Yeesh, what was I thinking. I don't even no the area all that well. I'm thinking about abdicating my position...

...I have conversations w/ myself in my head and it comes out in public. No, I'm not crazy, I swear.

...I can laugh at the ironies I create in my daily life.

So the Dalai Lama came to UB and the Law school had a special conference at the law school entitled "Law, Buddhism, and Social Change".  I was unable to attend or watch live, but the video is available at the web page below for anyone who is interested.   You can skip about the first 13 minutes, they are just introducting who's there from where...it's where they explain why they are holding the conference and then his holiness comes in about 23 minutes in...enjoy!

www.law.buffalo.edu/

Written: Sunday, June 13, 1999. 

Whomever thought this must have been hurt quite a bit in life and survived it all.  To have a positive attitude about pain proves experience.  Only after experiencing pain over and over again can you learn from it. 

Pain is a great teacher.  It teaches you what bounds you are willing to take to survive it.  Also, what changes you are willing to make in the aftermath of it.  Pain consumers you, tears at your heart and takes a piece of you with it.  It never dies, but only hides in the shadows, waiting to consume you again.

But pain is its own worst enemy.  The more it builds in the shadows, the more strength one person gains - the strength to survive and have a positive outlook and learn from it.  To learn that sometimes pain is necessary to come, in order for you to realize what turns in the road you want to take in life.  It makes you realize you are only human, and are very capable of feeling every emotion - that you are not above it.

It let's you know you are alive.  Without pain there is no happiness, and without happiness there is no life.

Written: Tuesday, September 4, 2001

I think I’m going mad,
I think I’m going crazy,
Waiting with anticipation,
Fearing what you’ll say.
My Heart is on the line,
For the second time.

The timing is not right
Lord, I know.
But something inside
Stirs deep within my soul.

Anxiety and fear
Keeps it at bay.
They quell my hopes,
For what you’ll say,
To what is hiding
Deep inside my heart.

Always alone, desolate, and desperate;
fear consumes me.
Yet, it steadily fades away,
into emotional numbness.
Nevertheless, it is only short lived,
this meager reprieve,
and the pain comes again.
It steadily seeps into my mind,
taking away all control,
all happiness,
all Hope.
 

Alone, desolate, desperate,
fear consumes once again,
a never-ending circle. 
Yet drops dead with one thought,
an everlasting reprieve—my only savior,
to never feel again.

Written: May 14, 2000

Make your life like the wind,
Always moving, never stopping.
But pause for a second and,
Enjoy those moments, the quiet
Unexplainable moments of life.